Weight Loss Fantasies
I wonder if you can relate…”When I lose the weight, I will:
Date
Cook more
Go after the promotion
Meditate
Go to the fun-looking yoga class
Have kids
Meet more friends”
These are some of the real reasons we want so desperately to lose weight. When we see yet another ad for a weight loss/wellness/cleanse/diet, they aren’t selling us weight loss-they are selling the life that awaits us when we’ve lost the weight. Which only intensifies our association between losing weight and living the life we’ve always dreamed of. It is so painful and it is so wrong of them (‘them’ being the billion dollar industries preying upon this).
People sometimes feel hints (or large mountains) of frustration with me and themselves when we start to unpack the hopes and dreams they’ve pinned on weight loss. For one, it reveals a deeper layer of beliefs and fears and working through that shit sucks. Two, there can be feelings of loss and sadness about putting their life on hold for years, which again, hard. And three, once we can process the anger and feelings of loss, a new feeling arises. One of “oh shit” when they realize we can begin to take steps toward creating the life they’ve dreamed of. Now. In their current body. At their current weight. Without being in a smaller body. Now.
Because the weight loss fantasy is just that-a fantasy. If you lose weight (and that’s a big ‘if’, as 95% of people who intentionally try to lose weight are unsuccessful at maintaining weight loss for at least 2 years and of the 95% that aren’t, up to 2/3 gain back more weight than they lost), you are still you. With all the intellect, compassion, baggage, humor, kindness, mess, and love you have right now.
Here’s where I need to be direct: weight stigma is 100% real and 100% harmful. It is absolutely harder for those in higher weight bodies to have access to quality (read: unbiased) medical care, comfortable transportation, and equal opportunities in work places (among many other realities). It only makes sense that if facing this oppression, someone would want to lose weight. But it isn’t the person who needs to change. It is the culture that allows for discrimination based on size.
So the questions become:
If you were to wake up tomorrow and be exactly the size/shape/body make-up you desire, what in your life would be different?
What of those things that would be different can you begin moving toward today, in the body you have?
Here are example answers:
I would begin to put myself out there and date.
(oftentimes this part can feel hard to answer; you may feel hesitant, as though saying you can begin moving toward what you desire is giving up; I urge you to sit with the notion that it is not giving up, but letting go of that which has held you back)…Today, in this body and mind, I am going to sign up for one dating app. I am going to remind myself that people in small bodies, large bodies, and all bodies in between are at this moment in relationships.
This is hard work, but you can do this. If it’s feeling overwhelming and more than you feel comfortable going through on your own, please reach out to a mental health therapist who practices from a Health At Every Size perspective. You can find one at:
https://www.sizediversityandhealth.org/content.asp?id=32